Life can often feel overwhelming, especially when we face numerous challenges that seem out of our control. But guess what? There are ways to feel better by understanding what you can control and what you can’t. This concept is incredibly helpful for reducing anxiety and stress. Let’s explore the Circle of Control, Circle of Influence, and Circle of No Control/ Circle of Concern to help you focus your energy where it really matters. This concept was introduced in 1989 by Stephen Covey in his book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.”

The Circle of Control: Your Superpowers

Your Superpowers:

• Your Thoughts: You have control over what you choose to think about. Positive thinking can improve your mood and outlook on life.
  • Example for Students: If you’re nervous about an upcoming test, focus on thinking positively about your preparation and abilities instead of worrying about the outcome.
  • Example for Workers: If you’re feeling stressed about a project, remind yourself of your past successes and think positively about your ability to complete the task.

• Your Words: You can control what you say to others and how you say it. Speaking kindly and clearly can improve your relationships.
  • Example for Parents: Communicate clearly and calmly with your children to set a positive example and avoid misunderstandings.
  • Example for Kids: Use polite words when asking for help or expressing your feelings, which can improve how others respond to you.

• Your Actions/Behavior: Your actions are within your control. Acting thoughtfully and responsibly can lead to better outcomes.
  • Example for Students: Focus on completing your assignments on time and participating in class activities.
  • Example for Workers: Take proactive steps to manage your workload and meet deadlines efficiently.

• Your Reactions: You can control how you respond to situations, even when they don’t go as planned.
  • Example for Parents: When your child misbehaves, respond calmly and constructively rather than reacting angrily.
  • Example for Workers: If a meeting doesn’t go well, stay composed and think about constructive feedback you can provide.

• Your Decisions/Choices: You have the power to make decisions that affect your life. Making thoughtful choices can help you achieve your goals.
  • Example for Students: Decide to study a little each day rather than cramming at the last minute.
  • Example for Workers: Choose to take breaks and manage your time effectively to avoid burnout.

• Your Attitude/Mindset: You can choose to have a positive or negative attitude. A positive mindset can make challenging situations easier to handle.
  • Example for Parents: Approach parenting with a positive attitude, looking for opportunities to teach and guide rather than just discipline.
  • Example for Workers: Maintain a positive attitude about your work and focus on what you enjoy about your job.

• Your Mood: While external factors can influence your mood, you can take steps to improve it.
  • Example for Kids: If you’re feeling sad, try doing something you enjoy, like playing a game or talking to a friend.
  • Example for Workers: Take a few moments to relax and breathe deeply if you’re feeling overwhelmed.

• Your Work Ethic: How hard you work and your dedication to tasks are within your control.
  • Example for Students: Develop a strong work ethic by setting study schedules and sticking to them.
  • Example for Workers: Show dedication to your job by being punctual and completing tasks to the best of your ability.

How to Use This Knowledge:

1. Identify Your Control: Write down your worries and highlight those you can directly control.
2. Take Action: Develop a plan to address these controllable aspects.
3. Stay Focused: Regularly review and adjust your actions to stay within your circle of control.

The Circle of Influence: Things You Can Help Change

Things You Can Help Change:

• Your Commitments: You can influence your commitments by choosing where and how to invest your time and energy.
  • Example for Workers: Prioritize your commitments by focusing on the most important tasks and seeking help when needed.
  • Example for Parents: Commit to spending quality time with your children and being present during family activities.

• Your Reputation: While you can’t control what others think, you can influence your reputation through consistent actions and behavior.
  • Example for Students: Build a good reputation by being respectful, responsible, and reliable.
  • Example for Workers: Enhance your professional reputation by being dependable and delivering high-quality work.

• Whether You Get Promoted: You can influence your chances of getting promoted by demonstrating your skills and value to your employer.
  • Example for Workers: Take on additional responsibilities, seek feedback, and continuously improve your skills to increase your promotion prospects.

• Where You Work: While you may not control the workplace environment, you can influence it by contributing positively.
  • Example for Workers: Create a positive work atmosphere by being supportive and collaborative with colleagues.

• How Much Your Partner Loves You: While you can’t control someone’s feelings, you can influence the relationship through your actions and communication.
  • Example for Parents: Strengthen your relationship with your partner by showing appreciation and maintaining open communication.

• Who Follows You on Social Media: You can influence your social media presence by posting engaging and positive content.
  • Example for Kids: Share interesting and positive updates to encourage more friends to follow you.

• Your Productivity at Work: You can influence your productivity by managing your time and tasks effectively.
  • Example for Workers: Use productivity tools and techniques to stay organized and focused on your tasks.

• Whether People Like You or Not: While you can’t make everyone like you, you can influence how others perceive you through your behavior and interactions.
  • Example for Students: Be friendly, helpful, and considerate to build positive relationships with classmates.
  • Example for Workers: Maintain a positive and professional demeanor to foster good relationships with colleagues.

• Your Children’s Future: While you can’t control every aspect of your children’s lives, you can influence their future through guidance and support.
  • Example for Parents: Encourage your children’s education and personal development by providing resources and opportunities for growth.

• Who You Vote For: You can influence political outcomes by participating in elections and encouraging others to vote.
  • Example for Adults: Stay informed about political issues and candidates to make informed voting decisions.

How to Use This Knowledge:

1. Identify Your Influence: List the areas where you have indirect influence.
2. Develop Strategies: Create strategies to positively influence these areas.
3. Engage Positively: Actively work on enhancing your influence through communication and positive actions.

The Circle of No Control/ Circle of concern (things we care about but can’t control): Letting Go of Worries

Things You Can’t Control:

• Other People’s Actions: You can’t control what others do, but you can control how you respond.
  • Example for Students: If a classmate is being disruptive, focus on your own work and ignore the distraction.
  • Example for Workers: If a colleague is not contributing to a project, do your best and communicate with your supervisor if necessary.

• Other People’s Thoughts: You can’t change what others think, but you can present yourself positively.
  • Example for Parents: If others judge your parenting style, focus on what works best for your family.
  • Example for Kids: If someone has a negative opinion about you, remember that their thoughts don’t define you.

• Other People’s Choices: You can’t make decisions for others, but you can make your own informed choices.
  • Example for Workers: If a team decision isn’t what you hoped for, adapt and find ways to contribute positively.

• Your Past Decisions/Choices/Behavior: You can’t change the past, but you can learn from it and make better choices in the future.
  • Example for Students: If you didn’t do well on a test, focus on studying more effectively for the next one.
  • Example for Adults: Reflect on past experiences and use them as lessons for future decisions.

• Weather: You can’t control the weather, but you can plan accordingly.
  • Example for Parents: If it’s raining, plan indoor activities for the family.
  • Example for Kids: If bad weather cancels outdoor plans, find fun things to do indoors.

• World Peace: You can’t solve global conflicts on your own, but you can contribute to peace in your community.
  • Example for Adults: Participate in local community service projects to promote peace and unity.

• Threat of War: You can’t control geopolitical events, but you can support peaceful initiatives and stay informed.
  • Example for Adults: Advocate for peace through petitions or community discussions.

• Government Policy: While you can’t change policies directly, you can influence through voting and advocacy.
  • Example for Adults: Engage in civic activities, such as writing to representatives or participating in public forums.

• Death: Death is inevitable and uncontrollable, but you can cherish the moments you have with loved ones.
  • Example for Everyone: Focus on creating meaningful memories and expressing gratitude for the time spent with loved ones.

• Where You Were Born: You can’t change your birthplace, but you can make the most of your opportunities.

• Traffic: You can’t control traffic, but you can plan ahead to minimize its impact on your day.
  • Example for Workers: Leave early to account for potential delays, or find alternative routes to work.
  • Example for Parents: Use traffic time to bond with your children through conversation or educational games.

• Economy/Prices: You can’t control the economy or prices, but you can manage your personal finances wisely.
  • Example for Adults: Create a budget, save for emergencies, and make informed spending decisions to better manage financial stress.

• Strangers’ Behavior & Driving Habits: You can’t control how others drive or behave, but you can drive safely and defensively.
  • Example for Drivers: Stay calm on the road, follow traffic laws, and avoid engaging with aggressive drivers.

• Cyber Threats: You can’t control the presence of cyber threats, but you can protect yourself online.
  • Example for Everyone: Use strong passwords, update software regularly, and be cautious about sharing personal information online.

• Strangers’ Comments on Forums & Social Media: You can’t control what people say online, but you can choose how to react.
  • Example for Kids: If someone posts mean comments, don’t respond. Instead, talk to a trusted adult about how to handle it.
  • Example for Adults: Ignore or block negative comments, and focus on positive interactions.

• If Public Transport is On Time: You can’t control public transport schedules, but you can plan accordingly.
  • Example for Commuters: Have a backup plan if your bus or train is late, such as knowing alternative routes or times.

• The Outcome of Most Court Cases: You can’t control legal decisions, but you can comply with the law and seek legal advice if needed.

• Sports Matches: You can’t control the results of sports games, but you can enjoy the experience regardless of the outcome.
  • Example for Fans: Support your team enthusiastically and appreciate the effort and sportsmanship shown.

• The Media: You can’t control the news, but you can choose how you consume it.
  • Example for Everyone: Limit exposure to negative news, seek out positive stories, and verify information from reliable sources.

• Being Made Redundant: You can’t control job cuts, but you can prepare for career changes.
  • Example for Workers: Keep your skills updated, network regularly, and have a financial safety net in place.

• How Much Stock a Retailer Has: You can’t control inventory levels, but you can plan your shopping accordingly.
  • Example for Shoppers: Check availability online before going to the store and have a list of alternative products.

• Celebrities’ Behavior & Opinions: You can’t control what celebrities do or say, but you can choose how much attention you give to their actions.
  • Example for Fans: Focus on the positive contributions celebrities make and avoid getting caught up in scandals.

How to Use This Knowledge

How to Use This Knowledge:

1. Identify What You Can’t Control: List your concerns that are beyond your control.
2. Accept and Let Go: Practice acceptance and let go of these uncontrollable worries.
3. Redirect Your Focus: Shift your energy towards areas you can control or influence.

Practical Steps: Focus on What Matters

1. Make a List: Write down your worries.
2. Sort Them Out: Put them into three groups – what you can control, what you can help change, and what you can’t control.
3. Take Action: Work on the things you can control and help change. Let go of the things you can’t control.

Example for Students: If you’re anxious about a school project, focus on preparing your part well, practicing, and asking for help if needed. Don’t worry about what others might think – you can’t control their opinions.

Example for Workers: If you’re stressed about a big presentation, focus on practicing your speech, preparing your materials, and seeking feedback. Let go of worrying about the audience’s reaction.

Example for Parents: If you’re worried about your child’s future, focus on providing support, guidance, and education. Let go of worrying about every possible outcome.

Example for Kids: If you’re nervous about a school play, practice your lines, and enjoy the process. Let go of worrying about making mistakes.

Empower Yourself

By focusing on what you can control and help change, you become stronger and less worried. Letting go of things you can’t control helps you feel more relaxed and happy.

Example for Students: A student worried about their grades should focus on studying, paying attention in class, and asking questions. This way, they can do their best and feel more confident.

Example for Workers: If you’re stressed about job security, concentrate on improving your skills, networking, and staying updated in your field. These actions are within your control.

Example for Parents: If you’re anxious about parenting challenges, focus on being present, consistent, and loving. These are things you can control.

Example for kids: If you’re worried about making friends, focus on being kind, sharing, and inviting others to play with you. These actions can help build friendships.

How to Apply the Model to Reduce Stress and Anxiety

After understanding Stephen Covey’s theory of the 3 Circles, you can practice several methods to minimize stress and anxiety:

1. Identify and Categorize Your Worries:

• Write down your worries: List all the things that are causing you anxiety.
• Categorize: Divide your worries into three groups: Circle of Control, Circle of Influence, and Circle of No Control.

2. Focus on the Circle of Control:

• Actions and Decisions: Concentrate on the things you can control, such as your actions, decisions, and reactions.
• Practice positive thinking: Choose to think positively and optimistically about what you are doing.

3. Enhance the Circle of Influence:

• Effective communication: Improve your communication skills to positively influence others and your environment.
• Build relationships: Invest time and effort in important relationships in your life.

4. Let Go of Things Beyond Control:

• Acceptance: Practice acceptance that there are things beyond your control that you cannot change.
• Meditation and relaxation: Spend time meditating, taking deep breaths, and relaxing to let go of uncontrollable worries.

5. Set Goals and Make Plans:

• Short-term and long-term goals: Set specific goals and make plans to achieve them.
• Daily planning: Create a daily to-do list and stick to it to reduce feelings of being overwhelmed.

6. Maintain a Healthy Lifestyle:

• Diet and sleep: Eat healthily and ensure you get enough sleep.
• Exercise: Regularly exercise to maintain physical and mental health.

7. Practice Gratitude:

• Journaling: Write down things you are grateful for each day to focus on the positive aspects of life.
• Express gratitude: Show gratitude to others to create a positive environment around you.

8. Learn to Say No:

• Time management: Learn to say no to unnecessary requests to focus on important tasks.
• Set boundaries: Establish and maintain personal boundaries to protect your mental health.

By applying these methods, you can manage stress and anxiety more effectively, improving your overall quality of life and mental well-being.

Remember, you have the power to change some things, help with others, and let go of the rest. Focus on what you can control and influence, and you’ll feel less anxious and stressed. This will help you be happier and more successful in life.

—

Phuong Tran Psychotherapy And Counselling

—

LATEST POSTS

• Hòa Giải Viên Gia Đình và Nhà Tham Vấn Gia Đình: Nên Chọn Ai?
• Family Mediator vs. Family Counsellor: Understanding the Key Differences
• Phân Biệt Cảm Giác Buồn Bã và Trầm Cảm: Khi Nào Nên Tìm Kiếm Sự Hỗ Trợ Chuyên Gia?
• Những Thói Quen Giúp Thành Đạt
• 10 Chiến Lược Nói Lời Từ Chối Mà Không Làm Mất Lòng
• KỸ NĂNG TỪ CHỐI: KHI NÀO NÊN TỪ CHỐI VÀ LÀM THẾ NÀO ĐỂ TỪ CHỐI MỘT CÁCH HIỆU QUẢ?